she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize