Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
