So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
