doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We left the knife in your bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
