White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
