I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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