Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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