The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
