I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
