the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
