My room smells like vodka and shame
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
