I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
