GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
