my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
