areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
where are my eyebrows?
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