I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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