She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
