I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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