Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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