I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
