I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
