Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
