are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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