Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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