The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
