I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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