I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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