i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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