You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I could fuck to npr.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
