The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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