This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
