And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
