I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
