I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize