I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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