Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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