She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
