Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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