Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize