As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
