so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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