He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
