finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
