"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
kristin has been a bad kristin
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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