No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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