Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
