i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
