That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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