I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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