if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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