Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
