I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
