I swear she didn't look like that last week.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
