I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
