OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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