That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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