my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
