She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
