i already hear my dad disowning me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
