Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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