just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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