I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
