if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
