My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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