I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
