I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
