I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
