At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
