so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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