I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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