Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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