Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
