Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
