If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
