then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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