I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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