Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
