i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
